So you’ve decided to be a wizard even though you live in rural Australia! Trust me: It’s not all the movies make it out to be! If a giant bearded guy breaks down the front door of your beachfront holiday home and drags you away, it won’t be whilst bellowing “You’re a wizard, Harry!”
If I were that metaphorical giant, here are the four key things I would impart on you up-and-coming rural mages:
1. Learn to Teleport
BEHOLD! The standard travel arrangements of a mediocre rural wizard:
- Drive over five hours to the nearest city with an airport
- Wait all afternoon in said airport for a flight that’s already been delayed three times and then
- Squeeze into a flying toothpaste tube
…and that only gets you within two trains of the “local” RPTQ or Grand Prix – ready to hit the event the next morning. Gross!
- Attend a meeting to plan out a group hike
- Have second breakfast with your favourite hobbits
- Guide eight close friends across the country side and through a dwarven cave network
- Duel with the Balrog
- Take a ride on the back of a giant eagle
- Go backpacking through a forest, smoke some peyote and make friends with some trees
- Get some practice in by doing battle with a fellow wizard
- Defend Minas Tirith from the Morgul host
- Charge the Black Gate and witness the end of the greatest evil in the land
- Go to sleep in your own bed
- Have breakfast in the comfort of your own home
- Sling your traveller’s pouch over your shoulder, mumble some magical mumbo jumbo, use a 7th level spell slot
… and you’re there! Didn’t you ever wonder how Gandalf fit his staff in the overhead baggage area?
2. Send your local game store’s pre-release stock one week into the future
A fundamental concept of time travel magic is that the newer an object is, the easier it is to send it back and forward through time. This is the best explanation for the pre-release stock being so temporally unstable – and why you should use it to refine your temporal spell-casting!
Don’t worry about the impact on the store and players of the pre-release – worst case scenario they can just run a Theros block draft instead. The owner’s been dying to get those packs off his shelf anyway!
3. Switch your WOTC Rep’s contact details with a train driver in Western Australia
A good wizard recognises the need for chaos in the world around them – and sometimes you have to create that chaos yourself! You’ve already sent the pre-release stock on a temporal holiday but the store owner doesn’t know it yet. When the stock misses its delivery date they may try and discover where it is – and in the process uncover your secrets, so cover your tracks!
The best part about chaos is that it is usually interesting. The store owner will be telling their story to anyone who will listen, make sure to act surprised when they tell it to you. Ask them if they had the wrong number. They’ll be sure to describe the time and place the rep gave them the number, and the previous times it had worked as intended.
You then ask: “Still, in this crazy world of ‘New phone, who dis?’ you had to check it, right?”
They inform you that they did. They hung up and manually re-dialled the number, copying it directly from their last electronic-mail.
“Still the train, mate!”
4. As a rural Magic player you’re already invisible
Congratulations, you did it!
He’s another turtle, on it’s back, on a fence post. We’ve no idea how he got there; we’ve no idea what he can do about it!