Chifley Cole Banned for Un-Mana-Weaving

Co-host of self-proposed “popular” MTG podcast ‘This Machine Kills Netdeckers’, Chifley Cole has today been handed an eighteen month ban from competitive and non-competitive play for un-mana-weaving his opponent’s decks at Grand Prix Sydney 2016.

After being presented with his opponent’s randomized deck, Cole would perform a move colloquially known as a ‘Clump-Dump’ – involving remembering the order and number of piles in your opponent’s pile shuffle and then performing a polar opposite pile shuffle, thus re-introducing land and spell clumps into his opponents’ decks and greatly increasing the odds that they need to mulligan.

In response to the ban, Cole released this official statement: “I have never engaged in a Reverse Pile and I will be fighting this ban with all of my strength. All of my spicy alternative shuffling methods are in strict accordance with the DCI, I will not go down without a fight, a man has to stand up for what he be-weaves in.”

We were able to get a statement from an Australian Level 3 judge who was involved in the decision to ban the former GASmtg writer. They wish to remain anonymous therefore to protect their identity they will be referred to as ‘Frimon Seiberg’.

“Cole has been on the radar of the community since his immensely popular ‘Which Hall of Famer are you?’ quiz went viral, but he has been on the Judge radar for considerably longer. At Pro Tour Paris in 2011 Chifley was shrouded in controversy after refusing to submit to a random playmat test claiming that it was “against his rights as a brewer”. Events like this brought him to our attention and then over the 2015-2016 period we started to receive a large number of reports of Cole using performance enhancing sleeves. With all these allegations and shady maneuvers, I personally felt it was just a matter of time before Chifley’s actions caught up with him, regardless of how incredibly entertaining and informative his podcast may be.”

Editor’s Note: At no point did Frimon directly indicate that they believed ‘Which Unplayable Red Enchantment are you?’ to be a better quiz, more worthy of the community’s praise, but from his tone it was heavily implied.

Frimon went on to add: “The ‘Reverse Weave’ or ‘Hostile Pile’ is obviously a banned move in all MTG circles and, once we finally had evidence of Chifley performing it, a ban was inevitable. After he wrote ‘Wizards of the Coast Hate this One Simple Memorization Technique’ we knew that this was a man that truly understood the intricacies of pile shuffling and how to gain edges through it. At the time we hoped that he was just trying to share his wisdom with the community but we were concerned that the article’s purpose was to divert attention from his dark and illegal pile-style.”

In closing Seiberg had this message to give to players looking to protect themselves from the unscrupulous pilers out there: “Don’t be afraid to call a judge, it’s alright to pile your deck, it’s alright for your opponent to also pile your deck, but if you get so much as a whiff that they might pile your deck counter-clockwise, instantly call for a judge. You are allowed to request that your opponent change the number of piles they are using to randomize your deck, this is true of both competitive and non-competitive REL events. You are also allowed to request that a judge pile your deck in lieu of your opponent. I urge players to be more complex with their piles, if you use an intricate pattern it becomes much harder for the would-be Reverse-Weaver to dump clumps on you. Finally, don’t be alarmed, the vast majority of weavers out there mean you no ill will and simply wish to ensure that both decks are free of clumps.”

“Weave unto others as you would have them weave unto you.” – Frimon Seiberg 2016

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