5 Tips to Improve at Magic That Don’t Matter Because Your Opponent Is a Lucker

Hello Pro-Tour-Hopefuls,

Today I will be giving you my top five tips to take you from an FNM grinder to the pinnacle of the Professional Tour. Unfortunately, there is literally no point in reading any of them as you’ve been paired against the luckiest-lucker to ever lay eyes on a Deckmaster product.

1. Critically Analyse Your Mulligan Decisions

Mulliganing is one of the least understood facets of the game and yet has an enormous impact on how a match plays out, as well as your overall win percentage. Even the best players struggle to come to a consensus over many borderline hands, making it incredibly difficult to tell if you are mulliganing ‘well’ or not. With that in mind, most players fail to mulligan enough so it is likely you should try and err slightly more on the mulligan side, although, to be honest, it couldn’t matter less as you are 100% going to get no-land hands down to four cards while your witless opponent grips their perfect seven, game after excruciatingly painful game, in their dorito-dust-covered ogre hands.

2. Review Your Online Replays Looking For Mistakes

Being able to go back and take an objective look at a game to see where you could have taken different lines is what truly separates the average players from the all stars. It also gives you a great opportunity to see how absolutely abysmally your opponent played at literally every possible decision point and how little they were punished for any of those blunders. Relive the horror as the top of their deck spoon feeds them the stone cold nuts whilst you rip enough bricks to build a house capable of safely hiding three little pigs from the big bad wolf.

3. Play the Best Deck

A lot of players who are desperate to get to the next level of competitive magic are giving up percentage points by playing decks they feel are the ‘most fun’ or that they already happen to own. If you truly want to get to the top of the pops, then one of the simplest ways is to just play the consensus best deck in whatever the format may be. This of course will not stop your four-leaf-clover munching opponent from bringing an un-sleeved, home-brew, hodge-podge of a deck that just so happens to totally destroy your tier 1 streamlined strategy.

4. Learn When to Take Risky Lines

Something you’ll often hear good players say is that it’s important to know when you can afford to play around certain spells and when you need to just go for it. Whilst on the surface this is good and simple advice, it has no relevance against this Felix Felicis chugging motherfucker who somehow finds every single one of their sideboard cards in the top 15 every fucking game. Did I mention you haven’t won a die roll all day???

5. Learn to Accept You’ll Never Have a 100% Win Rate

Is this one even true? I swear I’ve never seen my fucking opponent come close to losing a game DESPITE the fact they sling cardboard with all the elegance of a ballet dancing rhino. I mean for fuck’s sake, they had to rip their one-outer on that exact turn AND have me draw air for the next six. I don’t even know why I fucking bother anymore, is there any shred of skill left in this game at all? I’m sick to death of WOTC dumbing Magic down to the point that this Budha-belly-rubbing sack of horseshoes can be an undefeatable god whilst I’m stuck getting a pitiful five bucks in store credit week-in and week-out for my 2-2 finishes. Fuck you.